(Cruz del Sur is the largest bus provider in Peru. They run popular routes between all the major cities and tourist destinations. They are recommended by all the guide books, not to mention people you meet on the road. Deb and I took about 4 or 5 Cruz del Sur buses during our time in Peru. Now that we´re leaving, we wanted to write them a letter…for lack of a suggestion box.)
To Whom It May Concern At Cruz Del Sur:
As the most touted bus operator in Peru, I´d like to congratulate you on your reputation. I don´t know who you had to pay off to get in all those guide books, but congratulations, it was money well spent. Not that all of it is undeserved. You certainly had some comfortable buses with good seats and I can commend you on your drivers, who never passed on blind curves and with whom I felt absolutely safe.
Yet because my girlfriend and I took a number of your buses during our time in Peru, I thought you would appreciate some constructive feedback. As such, the following is a list of suggestions for improving your bus rides.
- Have a suggestion box.
- Don´t steal Deb´s iPod. It´s just bad business. Yeah, you know who you are. Asshole in Ica with the phony security guard.
- Enough with the awful Russian-inspired music CD that you play over and over again like there was no other CD that could possibly go into the player. That shit is awful. It makes riding the bus like a bad theme park ride that you can´t get off. In Russia.
- Leave on time. I know — a novel suggestion. It just seems like when you post departure times AND you post that your agency is “always on time,” that should mean something. And yes, I´m talking to you again Ica asshole.
- Ok, the bathrooms. I get it. They are only urinals. And I – unlike many of the gringos on your buses – can read the sign that says, “solo urinario.” And when you say at the beginning, in Spanish, don´t poo in the bathrooms, I hear you. I don´t poo. But those other gringos…they go in there, and they just poo their brains out. They poo all over those urinarios. Because they don´t know what an urinario is. And that English sign you have in the bathroom? The one that says, “Only Urinario”? That doesn´t make ANY sense in English! You´re trying to tell me that the largest bus operator in Peru can´t get a decent English translation? “Only Pee!” you fools!!! “No Poop!” “Please no shitting in here!” Any of these works fine. But “only urinario” is gonna leave you with, well, exactly what you have: a bus that smells like filthy gringo poop all 14 hours to Cusco.
- Learn how to use the DVD player. Then teach the stewardesses. I would particularly recommend going over the “next” and “previous” buttons. The “menu” button also may come in handy for those times when you turn off and restart the bus, thereby interrupting the movie, and leaving the stewardesses apparently at a loss as to how to go pick a certain chapter. And please, no Portuguese movies. Spanish movies, yes. English movies, yes. Your clientele is probably 99% Spanish or English speaking…so no Portuguese movies. The whole bus is sitting there thinking, “Who in god´s name understands this? Why am I here? And what is that strange Russian melody stuck in my head? Some reggaeton, please! Anything! And what´s that smell!?!”
- The Bingo game. Ok, this part is cool. Neat idea: the winner of the Bingo game gets a free return passage. Hey, I even won once. Yeah, that was neat. A winner. Big winner. Chicken dinner. No wait. What did I win? A useless return ticket to the place I just came from. And then, when I very reasonably asked to swap it for a CHEAPER ride to a different city, I was met with incompetent and somewhat rude helplessness. I don´t mean to be the complaining tourist here (though that is clearly the admittedly obnoxious role I have taken in this particular post), but come on, let´s talk business sense. You´ll give me a free $30 ticket but not swap it for a free $10 ticket? Also, I´m pretty sure with Bingo you only have to get a row, not the full card. Details, I know, but important to the old folks, ya know?
- What´s with the scorching hot metal grates by your feet in the front of the bus? I nearly melted my shoes on those things. Have you ever heard of the Starbucks lawsuit, homies? You better fix that or put, “Will burn the soles right off your feet in ten seconds” on those grates unless you want trouble.
- Don´t steal Deb´s iPod. Did I mention that? We know it was you, Ica. And we know your security guard lackey was covering for you.
- I think lists are better with ten´s, don´t you? Nine makes such a sad list. So in that case, let me add the final point that your buses are way too expensive. Halve the price and you need not change a thing. But keep your prices as they are, and please see #1-9.
Gracias, and thanks for the good times.
Sincerely,
Evan White and Deb Karasek
